| Dear friends, Your wedding is very important to us at Saints Philip and James Parish. Unlike all the other people who are involved in the preparation for your special day (the photographer, the band or DJ, the caterer, the florist), we at SSPJ are concerned not only about your wedding day but about your future life together. We support you in your life-long love and commitment, and we wish to celebrate the beauty of that love in a way that builds up the community of the Church. We are not just here to plan your "event"; we are here to celebrate your sacrament. Your sacramental commitment is important to us; in your beautiful act of commitment we see the very face of God who is love. So, what exactly do I have to do in order to get married in the Church? This booklet will go through all the details that pertain to planning a Church wedding. But besides knowing the "what," it is always good to know the "why." Why does the Church require this -- why does the Church ask for that? The answer as to why we ask what we ask of you can be found in the profound questions which will be asked of you on the day of your wedding: Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage? This booklet will tell you about some of the documents which you will need that prove that you are free to enter into this holy union. Will you love and honor one another as husband and wife for the rest of your lives? Our booklet will describe the wonderful process of marriage preparation that we offer you to help you to live in this relationship with faithfulness and love. Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church? On the day of your wedding, you will promise that your love will be fruitful. The fruitfulness of your marriage will not only be reflected in the children you will bring into the world, but also in the very manner in which your couple-love will bring hope and joy to those who feel barren and lifeless. This booklet will speak about making your marriage ceremony a true sacramental event that will communicate life and hope to all those who will be in attendance that day. We hope that these three questions will be the source of your reflection that will guide you in the planning of your sacrament to be celebrated here in our Church. The priests, deacons and staff of our parish community would like to extend you whatever help we can offer to make this time a time filled with joy and peace as your begin your journey together as husband and wife. May the Lord pour out his blessings upon you! The priests and deacons of Saints Philip & James Church Question: Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage? 1. Baptismal Certificate: All Catholics being married in the Church are asked to produce an updated Baptismal Certificate that has been recently issued from the Church of Baptism (that is, within the past six months). Your Church of Baptism has a record of your entire sacramental history (including previous valid marriages if there were any). We ask you to obtain a recently issued baptismal certificate because it provides an official proof that you are presently free to be married in the Catholic Church. Please contact the Church where you were baptized, giving them your name and date of birth, and they will send you an updated certificate. An original baptismal certificate (or photocopy) suffices for those who were baptized in a non-Catholic Christian Church. 2. Letter of Freedom: If one of the Catholic parties is not a member of Saints Philip and James Church, you are required to obtain from your home parish a letter of freedom which states that the banns of marriage will be published in that particular church. In addition, if either party is under 21 years of age, a letter of parental consent is required. 3. Affidavits of freedom: Along with this booklet, you will receive a form called "Affidavit of freedom." It is a document which we ask each of you to give to two people (family members or, in their absence, long-time friends) who attest that there are no impediments to your freely getting married in the Church (such as previous marriage, blood relationship to one another, or other impediments to freedom). 4. Special Situations: In certain special situations, other documentation will be necessary. These situations include: pregnancy, a previous marriage, or the death of a former spouse. We will gladly explain what documentation is needed in these special cases. 5. The Marriage License: Before you are married, it is necessary for the two of you to obtain a marriage license from the State of New York. The marriage license must be used within a sixty day period from the time it is issued to you. Most couples find it convenient to obtain their license about a month prior to their wedding. The license may be obtained at any town or city hall in New York State. Town Hall of the Town of Smithtown is located on the corner of Middle Country Road and Landing Avenue. Town Hall of the Town of Brookhaven is located off North Ocean Avenue in Farmingville (LIE exit 63) just opposite Bald Hill. Licenses are issued by the town clerk. It is no longer necessary to have a blood test prior to obtaining a marriage license in New York State. You will be asked to provide various documents of identification. In order to find out the specific types of identification that are acceptable, you should call Town Clerk's Office before you go to apply for your marriage license. Town of Smithtown Town Clerk: (631) 360-7620 Town of Town Brookhaven Town Clerk (631) 451-9101 You may also check the webistes of the various Town municipalities for further information We ask you to bring the license to us at the wedding rehearsal. After the wedding, the priest or deacon will send the license back to the town or city clerk's office who will then send you a certificate of marriage three to four weeks after your marriage. Question: Will you love and honor one another as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?
Obviously, this is a time in your life when so much is happening. The preparations that go into planning this big event can be so overwhelming and time-consuming; as a result, your own relationship as a couple can easily get lost in the shuffle. Your wedding is a single day -- your marriage is a lifetime. Therefore, we have structured this time into your engagement, a time for reflecting, for listening, for sharing -- in short, a time to put your relationship ahead of any other concern. Other couples who have experienced our marriage preparation program have told us that this program was very helpful for them. We hope to be able to serve you in the same way. Our marriage preparation program (sometimes referred to as Pre-Cana) begins with a process called FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study). FOCCUS provides each couple with a survey-type instrument followed by a confidential feedback which will help the couple "focus" on various issues throughout this time of their engagement. Please be assured that this is not some kind of a test; the results of this survey are given to you alone to help you in your future discussions. The second part of marriage preparation is a weekend program which takes place here at Saints Philip & James Church. In the presentations and discussions that follow, various issues are talked about: communication, decision making, sexuality, spirituality, etc. We conclude the program at the 12 noon Mass on Sunday where we have the opportunity of celebrating your engagement with the parish community. We operate our pre-Cana program twice a year (in the fall and in the spring). We have attached a form for you to fill out and return to us so that you can register for our program. Alternative marriage preparation arrangements may be discussed with the priest or deacon who is responsible for your wedding. The Pre-Cana program run by the diocese can be accessed through the diocesan website for faith formation: www.drvc.org/faithformation. Question: Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church? You may wonder, what does the promise of my bringing children into this world have to do with the celebration of my wedding? Quite simply, the answer is this: Love is not just a private gift exchanged between "consenting adults" -- it is a creative action that is meant to bring life into the world. Your wedding ceremony is more than just a "me-centered" (or "we-centered") event which places you in the spotlight. Right from the very beginning of your marriage, you stand there to give life and to bring light into the lives of others in a Catholic ritual which we call a sacrament. Having a Wedding Mass or a Wedding Ceremony -- what's the difference? When we speak about the celebration of your wedding as taking place within a Mass, we unite your sacramental, life-giving exchange of love to the life-giving words of Jesus, "This is my Body, given for you." In a sense, every celebration of the Eucharist is a moment in time when Jesus, the bridegroom, gives his body to his bride, the Church. What Jesus did for us on Calvary in his act of sacrificial love animates and gives life to every act of sacrifice you will make for each other in your marriage. Likewise, what you promise to do for each other on your wedding day -- to be generous and generative in your love -- makes your celebration a sacrament, a living sign of God's generous, generative love to the world. A Wedding Mass (also in the tradition called a Nuptial Mass) has three parts to it: Liturgy of the Word: we listen to the Word of God who speaks to us about the true meaning and nature of human love. The Marriage Rite: The moment when, in your exchange of vows and rings, you promise to make that divine love real in your day-to-day living. You make a covenant with one another, forever. Liturgy of the Eucharist: We remember the covenant of love that God made with us, sealed in the sacrifice of His Son, given to us as nourishment and strength in holy Communion. A Wedding Ceremony (apart from the Mass) consists of the first two parts outlined above: The Liturgy of the Word and the Marriage Rite. A wedding ceremony is approximately 30 - 35 minutes in length; a wedding Mass is approximately an hour in length. In your considerations which will lead you to decide whether you want a wedding Mass or a wedding ceremony, please be honest and ask yourself if the Mass, at present, does play an important part in your own spirituality. Also, consider your invited guests: Are a majority of them Catholic or non-Catholic? Would most of your guests participate in the prayers and responses of the Mass? Ultimately, it is your decision to shape this event in such a way that all may be able to enter into the celebration prayerfully and reverently. The celebration of your marriage is not only the moment when a bride and groom administer the sacrament of love to one another, it is also the opportunity for all present to experience a real and living sign of how much God loves us all. Your guests who are present in your Church on your special day can experience the most profound example of what God is all about; for God is love, and the clearest manifestation of love occurs when two people promise to cherish each other for the rest of their lives. As ministers of this sacrament, you are creating a special moment that will help others believe in the power of love, the power of God who renews all things. We, as priests and deacons, stand as official witnesses of your sacramental exchange of love. We will help you to create a beautiful celebration, following the guidelines of our Catholic ritual, so that those who are present will experience the life-giving power of your sacrament. Choose your signs & symbols carefully: All rituals, all sacraments, are made up of outward signs or symbols that communicate grace, the divine life that God wants us to enjoy even here on earth. The central sign of a wedding ceremony is your exchange of vows. The ceremony also has other symbols which have "crept into" the marriage rite over the years. We ask you to look at these symbols carefully and see what they might be saying. 1. The procession: The traditional marriage has a lengthy procession of groomsmen and bridesmaids preceding the entrance of the bride and her father. The procession is a throwback to the ancient practice where the bride left her home and, processing through the village streets, entered the home of the groom. The father "gave away" the bride, along with a dowry, and received the groom's promise, symbolized in the ring, that he would take care of her. In time, this procession has become so elaborate that it communicates something that is not really in keeping with the true spirit of Christian marriage. -- The lengthy number of bridal attendants climaxing in the entrance of the bride can communicate "It's all about ME!" This inappropriate message is even further heightened by runners. For safety reasons, we do not permit runners in our Church, and we ask for your cooperation in communicating this to your limousine service. -- Perhaps you might consider allowing the procession to speak a more sublime truth. What if the bride were accompanied by both parents? What if the bridal party were limited in size? What if the groom was escorted to the altar by his parents followed by the bride and her parents? What if, in consideration of the guests in attendance, that toddlers not be part of the procession? It is our experience that little children, when part of the bridal party and, for the most part, unattended, can cause a major distraction during the liturgical celebration of your wedding. 2. The readings from the Bible: All sacramental celebrations in the Church contain the Word of God. In and through his Word, we hear the "great mystery," namely, we were created in love by God, created in his image and likeness, so that we can make a sincere gift of ourselves to one another. The readings in a wedding ceremony speak about God's covenant of love that He makes with us and ultimately the covenant of love sealed by the blood of Jesus. Secular readings or poems, as beautiful as they may be, are inappropriate in a Catholic ritual because they cannot speak the profound truth that is expressed in the inspired Word of God. You will receive in your course of pre-Cana the book Decision to Love which outlines the readings and prayers used in the Catholic ritual. Some of these readings, at first glance, may seem "archaic." We, the priests and deacons, want to take the opportunity to explain these readings as we help you to prepare for the ceremony. God's word is a treasure -- let us help you to find the key to unlock that treasure so that His Word can challenge and invite your heart to embrace the true meaning of marriage itself. We encourage you to make an appointment with the priest or deacon who is responsible for your wedding at least six weeks in advance of the wedding so that together we may look at and reflect upon the Word of God. 3. Your exchange of vows: So many times, people are tempted to want to write their own vows. The intention is to make the celebration personal and meaningful. However, your vows are meant to be more than just an expression of affection ("I fell in love with you the moment I first met you and now I want you to share my dreams with you for the rest of my life."). They are meant to be a solemn expression of a covenant -- a love that is unconditional and forever, sealed in that sacred union of husband and wife. The vows of the Catholic ritual contain important words that cannot be altered. If you are inclined, however, to want to express something to one another so that all present may know the depth and beauty of the love you do have for one another, the priest or deacon would gladly incorporate these sentiments in the homily he delivers at your ceremony. 4. Other symbols: Over the years, other symbols have crept into the wedding ceremony: the lighting of the unity candle, presentation of roses to the Blessed Mother, giving roses to the mothers at the sign of peace, etc. Some of these minor rituals are acceptable in the Catholic ritual; however, we want to make sure that there is a balance and that additional symbols do not overshadow the main sign of the sacrament -- your solemn exchange of vows. 5. Music: Once again, in selecting music for the wedding celebration, care must be taken that the music reflects the heart of the Catholic liturgy. There is a difference between the liturgy and the reception that follows. Here are some guidelines: -- Songs are written for a particular purpose. Some love songs, beautiful and inspiring though they may be, were not written for liturgical celebration. Their purpose is not to point us towards the divine, life-giving love of Christ and his Church. If a song was not specifically written for Christian liturgy, it is not appropriate for a wedding. Likewise, recorded music is never appropriate nor permitted in Church liturgies. -- Just like the readings, we have carefully selected liturgical songs that are part of our tradition that will help people reflect upon the true meaning of your sacramental celebration. These hymns and the accompanying selection worksheet are offered to you at this time. Our parish music director, Margaret Adams will help you with the selection of appropriate songs and hymns for your wedding. We ask you to contact Margaret about four to six to eight weeks before the wedding so that she can help you with the selection of songs and hymns. Margaret will also assist you if you should desire to bring in other instrumentalists or a trained guest vocalist. It is our understanding that our organist and singer will be present for your wedding; outside instrumentalists and vocalists will be permitted to play a portion of your wedding ceremony. Margaret may be reached at the Pastoral center (631-584-5454 x 235). Maintaining the Dignity of our Celebration Good liturgy, by its very nature, is uplifting and ought to maintain a certain dignity. While a wedding is an event attended by people who are close to you, there is still a certain formality to the moment (brides wouldn't get married in a sundress or grooms in a t-shirt and jeans). We do everything we can to maintain a balance between warmth and prayerful reverence. We want to see that balance carried through all aspects of the celebration so that it can be life-giving and uplifting to all. 1. Punctuality counts! Not only is punctuality a courtesy to your guests, it is a courtesy to all who need to use our Church for other events on the day of your wedding. Please insist that your photographer and limousine driver keep this bigger picture in mind! We work hard to shape this moment so that it can be a prayerful event, a sacrament that reflects the mystery of God's life-giving love. In consideration of other events that may take place in the Church on the day of your wedding, the priest or deacon may be forced on the spot to shorten your ceremony (or even eliminate the liturgy of the Eucharist at Nuptial Masses) if he feels that we would otherwise excessively run over the time that was allotted for your wedding. 2. Professional photographers: We ask that those who will be taking pictures at your wedding (still and video) see the priest or deacon before the ceremony begins regarding our church policies concerning photography. We urge you to ask your photographers not to take away from the solemnity of your wedding celebration. 3. Flowers and runners and things that people will
throw at you! 4. Your Bridal Party: 5. Visiting Clergy 6. The Wedding Rehearsal: Selection sheet of readings and prayers from the book Together for Life. Wedding License Unity candle, programs or other items to be used in your celebration Church offering ($300) Fee for the musicians ($225). This may be written as a single check in the amount of $525 made payable to Saints Philip and James Church.
We at Saints Philip and James parish look forward
with great joy
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